THAT is ME

Boy, have I been messed up lately.

A hot mess, actually.

Not the hot mess like I was when I was sick last month. (Remember?)

No, this is just the normal hot mess me.

Does that make sense?

So incredibly cranky. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely. Bored. Exhausted. (Is it even possible to be both bored yet exhausted at the same time?) Hot. Short-tempered. Irritated. Ignored. Defensive. Just a whole bunch of nasty negatives . . .

blah. blah. blah.

I don't like the person I've been. I've been bothered by things others have said months ago, and can't seem to get past it. My defenses are up - the mortar on my brick wall has long dried, and I have no desire to take it down. I've got 0% creative ideas these days, I'm bummed that enrollment for my classes hasn't totally taken off, and the thought of even going away for a few days has me anxiety ridden at the thought of spending too much of the money our family needs to survive right now. I don't feel like being the nice guy. I don't feel like making every one else happy. If you cross me . . . say something to shame me . . . do anything to embarrass me . . . be careful. I'm fragile . . . but I will not allow it any longer.

Yes, I'm in a hot mess of a funk.

And I have been for a . . . . . . . . .  l . . . o . . . n . . . g . . . . . . . . . . time.

So, I put it out there. Boom. It's done.

I'm reading this book by Brene Brown right now. It is helping me . . . slowly. It's called "I thought is was just me (but it isn't)" Right there in CHAPTER ONE (actually, page ONE of chapter ONE!) Brene writes about work she did years ago at a residential treatment facility for children. She shares a moment when her clinical director addressed the therapists. The director said . . . they have to understand that they "cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors". He went on to tell them that regardless of their intentions, they cannot force people to make positive changes by putting them down, threatening them with rejection, humiliating them in front of others or belittling them.

I know that feeling. One too many times. Humiliated. Put down.

For the record . . . ending an insult with love is just what it started out as . . . an insult.

So, I'm trying to get myself out of this funk.

I went out with a few friends last night. I needed it bad. We went to this wonderful cooking school in Forest Park called "Flav'our", and it was such a fantastic time. (I'll tell you more about our experience in a day or two.) While looking around the shop after class, I came upon the awesome letters in the photo above . . .

R E N E W

And as each of my three friends turned the corner and saw the letters . . . it was as if each of them knew I was struggling inside. "See?" one of them said, ". . . it's totally YOU."  "RENEW, Leanne . . . " the other said, "that's what you need to do." And, "Did you see that? It's like they knew you were coming."

It's funny, isn't it? When your dear friends can tell what is happening inside of you, even if you can't put it to words.

re·new  verb \ri-ˈnü, -ˈnyü\

1 : to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection renew our strength in sleep
2 : to make new spiritually : regenerate
3 a: to restore to existence : revive

b: to make extensive changes in : rebuild

I need to renew, my friends.

And it starts . . . now.

Wishing you peace.

xo