Still . . . I love Life

December 4

I sat down to write my blog this morning and wanted very much to keep it light and positive - with no mention of challenges or anxiety. Then I realized in doing that, I wouldn't be true to me. And if I want to do anything in writing daily, it is wanting to remain true to what I am feeling each and every day. And some days are harder than others.

So while I am sitting here trying to find my words, I decided to click through some of my dear online friends blogs and see if  could find the inspiration I needed to pull the happy out of me. I stumbled upon a blog post of a dear art friend, Kelli May-Krenz, and it hit home. It's about anxiety . . . and her strong unending determination to love life, even when it is hard (you can read her post here, if you'd like.)

OH, that genius Kelli! Today, she pinned the tail on the donkey for me.

110%

Because I do love life - truly and deeply.

But today, it is hard.

For no reason other than what I have done - the situations I have put myself in - the scenarios I have created - the relationships I have allowed.

And some days, it is hard.

I do think I suffer from a tad bit of anxiety. ("Tad???" I can hear my husband asking.)

I have never been clinically diagnosed, because to be clinically diagnosed, that would mean you would have to go and see someone and talk about what I am feeling. And why would I go and talk about what I am feeling? Isn't that just me admitting that I am not in control - not able to handle it all - isn't that admitting that I am weak? No, these are not real questions I am asking. These are just the thoughts that go through my head as I struggle with "hard" days.

So, no . . . I have never been clinically diagnosed. But I feel it hard some days.

I searched through my iPhone for a photo to add to this post, and found this blurry one I took sometime this past summer of a carousal at the nearby shopping mall. THIS is how I feel. Like things are moving at a record speed today - there is much to be done, not enough hours to do it all, people who need my help when I just can't give it, people who I have let down, people with attitudes, guilt, people who make me feel like crap, people who don't understand me - and all I am doing is standing there watching it all move quickly pass me - over and over again.

Some days, I just want the ride to slow down a bit - so I can see things clearly - so I can take it in.

And that is the hardest part.

It seems like it never does.

I'm ok, friends. I am. I feel so grateful to have this little space in the universe to collect my thoughts. But I am JUST FINE. Because even in the midst of all of this . . . I can honestly say that I still love life. And I know, no matter what, that tomorrow is another day.

For now, know that I am thinking of you all and so very grateful that you chose to spend a few minutes with me. I feel your strength, and am taking it in.

Peace, dears.

xoxo

UPDATE - 10 MINUTES LATER: 
I am a hot mess. I know it. My sister knows it. Most of my close friends know it. I am teaching an art class (more on that in other blog post) tonight for 30 women. We are making button Christmas trees, and I have been buying, collecting, counting green buttons more than you could imagine. As the class size grew, I bought some additional buttons a few weeks ago - four LARGE packs of green buttons - and could not find them this morning. I could not find them ANYWHERE.

Thus . . . the anxiety kicked in.

I searched high and low, up and down, in and out of every single part of my very chaotic (yes, it is a hot mess, too) art space. Couldn't find them.

Anxiety. Can you feel it?

So, I sat and wrote about it here.

Within 2 minutes of posting this blog . . . I opened the VERY FIRST BIN that I looked in when starting the whole search . . . and THERE THEY WERE. RIGHT ON TOP. LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. LIKE I WAS NUTS.

VERY FIRST BIN, I tell ya.

So, yes. I still Love Life. Those anxiety moments when you can't even breath, and the moments when things fall into place.

Peace. And thank you for hanging in with me, hot mess and all. Always.