Hindsight is 20/20

I am sitting in my daughters room right now, it is 6AM . . . . and she is 13. She turned thirteen at the end of January, and last night she had some friends over for a small birthday gathering and sleep over.

13.

My Ella.

The kids are all sleeping in the family room, and I woke early, mildly suffering from the onset of a cold that is slowly starting to move down to the chest. I needed hot tea - pronto - so instead of making a ruckus in the kitchen, I grabbed my car keys and headed to Starbucks (their medicine ball tea really is the best). This also gave me the opportunity to be the greatest mom (a goal I recognize is unattainable and unrealistic), and picked up two dozen Dunkin Donuts - one dozen assorted and one dozen vanilla long johns (because those really are best).

Returning home, I grabbed my tea, my iPad, a book, and a long john (hey, I am human), and took myself to Ella’s room - the only place where I would not disturb all the sleeping creatures in our house.

I don’t really spend a lot of time in this room.

And I am realizing what a shame that is.

It is interesting to take this time and catch and glimpse of my Ella - this young, mysterious, now teenager of mine who has spent more of the last year in her room than ever before. There is some soft music playing . . . . ever so softly, it is absolutely tranquil and so very lovely. I spent about 4 minutes trying to figure out the source (is it coming from some headphone hanging off her desk somewhere? the computer? It seems to be off - I can’t even figure out how to turn it on. Some speaker? I have absolutely no idea), and decided to just let it play.

It is lovely.

She has beautiful string of tiny fairy lights that are draped all around the room - from one corner to the next, and reaching back where they started. They are permanently on (can’t figure out where those get turned on and off from, either.)  Behind her door is a long full body mirror (gosh, I hate those - a new addition she asked for just last week . . . she is officially a teen), and when I close the door, I am met with the mirror . . . and a picture of her, her sister, and her auntie (my sister, Laura.)

It sort of took my breath away.

My sister, Laura, passed away. December 17, 2018.

Of course you know about it.

I have shared here before.

I have shared with everyone.

On Facebook, this blog, in life.

It is all encompassing.

And seeing this photo behind Ella’s door (the only photo there, mind you), I realize how encompassing it has been - for all of us. Not just me.

I stood looking at this photo for a long time.

I wonder if she knew. Laura.

Did she know how loved she was?

Do any of us? Really?

I think of where I am at this very moment. The room of the 13 year old daughter of mine, whose mind I think is usually on friend drama, mine craft, fortnite, tik toks and so much more. I see these little pieces of her life here and there, and then i see this photo of her and her sister and her auntie - in a prominent place where she would see it constantly - and it takes my breath away.

What do they say? Hindsight is 20/20? That it is easy to know the right thing to do after something has happened, but it is hard to predict the future?

Yeah. Hindsight is 2020.

If Laura were here today, things would be so very different. For Ella. For Katie. For me. I would be different.

We are still struggling, friends, as you can tell. We are still grieving. I am in a pretty rough patch right now - and feel as if I need some additional help. Crazy to me to think that the second year is harder than the first. But it is. The past couple weeks have been hell.

Did she know how much she was loved ?

God, I hope so.

I want to work at that - make sure the people with me now know they are loved. I think we could all use to hear that more often, don't you think? I think I will start with my Ella.

Oh, friends. Her room is a mess. Just as it should be for a 13 year old girl. She has her whole life to keep a house and manage a life. Let it be now as it is. And she has these beautiful little things here and there - a photo of her and her BFF Maggie walking with their arms around each other, hanging right next to her night stand. A teeny tiny Asian "good luck"cat sitting on her desk (I actually have no idea where this came from). A note I wrote her in 2018 pinned on her wall (💓), her essential oil diffuser, colored pencils galore, and hand drawn doodles all along her cheap Ikea desk. This is my Ella.

13.

And she is so very very loved.

Wishing you all a day full of love, dear friends. And Peace. Always Peace

xo