Letting Go of Another Year
Well, we are almost there, dear friends.
Tomorrow . . . is my birthday.
40.
Wow.
I'm having a hard time this year. Not because I'm turning 40. Honestly - it's just a number to me. It's just this particular day that I struggle with. Each year, just when I think I have a handle on it . . . I start to remember and the feelings come back. And this year, it's no exception. It doesn't help that I am PMSing this week - everything magnifies when you're pms'ing, don't you think? But even if I wasn't, I just don't care about my birthday. And I can't wait for the day to be over.
On my 25th Birthday, someone had a conversation with me that broke me. Someone who is important in my life hurt me. On my birthday. My 25th Birthday. And while I have long forgiven and have long moved on from that day, it never fails that year after year, as my birthday approaches, those memories surface and I could cry today like it just happened yesterday.
The Who? What? Where? doesn't even matter.
But here I sit, the day before my family wishes to gather and shower me with happiness, and I just want to be left alone.
You know me . . . you read my blog . . . I'm all about the "happy".
And to me, tomorrow is just not a happy day.
It's funny, you know, to think that 15 years have passed and I'm still not over it. I really thought I was. I thought that this year, I would be fine. This year I would forget. This year is the start of a new decade in my life. This year I wouldn't let it bother me. But . . . alas . . .
So, what will I do? Well, PG is planning a lovely dinner for our family (just me, the girls and him) tomorrow. He is cooking all of my favorite things (scallops, asparagus, rice, and cheesecake . . .yummm). And the only other thing I want to do is to go to church. Really. I think I need to somehow try and give it up to the Big Guy, you know? Maybe that will help.
Sunday, we'll be gathering with a few family members and having a little bowling party. It seems like our family likes to gravitate to the bowling alley when there are birthday celebrations to be had. Nothing big - just the little group of us. Just like I want it. Then I think we'll end the afternoon with a little cake and coffee at my sisters. It sound pretty perfect, doesn't it.
In the middle of all of it, I'll smile, I'll blow out some candles, open a few cards, and do my best to enjoy the day . . . for my daughters. Because I kind of feel we're doing this for them. And then Monday . . . life will be back to normal. Our normal. And that is all I'm thinking about.
Sorry to drop such a serious post on you today. I think I needed to write about it. This blog has often, many many times, been a platform of deep thinking and soul searching for me. Maybe this year will be the year I forget . . . let go . . . give it up.
How about you? Do you ever find that you hold on to a memory that continues to bring you pain? What do you do to let it go? I'd love to know, my friend, now more than ever.
Maybe this year I'll . . . really . . . finally . . . let go.
Tomorrow . . . is my birthday.
Wow.
I'm having a hard time this year. Not because I'm turning 40. Honestly - it's just a number to me. It's just this particular day that I struggle with. Each year, just when I think I have a handle on it . . . I start to remember and the feelings come back. And this year, it's no exception. It doesn't help that I am PMSing this week - everything magnifies when you're pms'ing, don't you think? But even if I wasn't, I just don't care about my birthday. And I can't wait for the day to be over.
On my 25th Birthday, someone had a conversation with me that broke me. Someone who is important in my life hurt me. On my birthday. My 25th Birthday. And while I have long forgiven and have long moved on from that day, it never fails that year after year, as my birthday approaches, those memories surface and I could cry today like it just happened yesterday.
The Who? What? Where? doesn't even matter.
But here I sit, the day before my family wishes to gather and shower me with happiness, and I just want to be left alone.
You know me . . . you read my blog . . . I'm all about the "happy".
And to me, tomorrow is just not a happy day.
It's funny, you know, to think that 15 years have passed and I'm still not over it. I really thought I was. I thought that this year, I would be fine. This year I would forget. This year is the start of a new decade in my life. This year I wouldn't let it bother me. But . . . alas . . .
So, what will I do? Well, PG is planning a lovely dinner for our family (just me, the girls and him) tomorrow. He is cooking all of my favorite things (scallops, asparagus, rice, and cheesecake . . .yummm). And the only other thing I want to do is to go to church. Really. I think I need to somehow try and give it up to the Big Guy, you know? Maybe that will help.
Sunday, we'll be gathering with a few family members and having a little bowling party. It seems like our family likes to gravitate to the bowling alley when there are birthday celebrations to be had. Nothing big - just the little group of us. Just like I want it. Then I think we'll end the afternoon with a little cake and coffee at my sisters. It sound pretty perfect, doesn't it.
In the middle of all of it, I'll smile, I'll blow out some candles, open a few cards, and do my best to enjoy the day . . . for my daughters. Because I kind of feel we're doing this for them. And then Monday . . . life will be back to normal. Our normal. And that is all I'm thinking about.
Sorry to drop such a serious post on you today. I think I needed to write about it. This blog has often, many many times, been a platform of deep thinking and soul searching for me. Maybe this year will be the year I forget . . . let go . . . give it up.
How about you? Do you ever find that you hold on to a memory that continues to bring you pain? What do you do to let it go? I'd love to know, my friend, now more than ever.
Maybe this year I'll . . . really . . . finally . . . let go.
Instead of counting candles,
ReplyDeleteOr tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings now,
As your birthday nears.
Consider special people
Who love you, and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life Just by being there.
Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.
Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"
I found this poem and thought it would be perfect for you on this your birthday! It's hard sometimes to get passed memories that haunt us, but if we count our blessings instead, the memories will eventually fade.
WISHING YOU A GLORIOUS BIRTHDAY.
Gentle Hugs...
Mitzi
Oh Leanne...such a shame that a bad memory like that mars your birthday! I can understand though...it is very hard to let go of a painful memory that you associate with a special day.
ReplyDeleteHope you do get to enjoy your day with the people that are the most important to you, and that you will someday obliterate that bad memory and replace it with happier ones!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!
The only person who can flip this switch is you. Give yourself your own present and shed this memory, shake it off and release it to the universe. The person who caused this pain was in pain herself. If you can look at it that way, it may allow you to release it.
ReplyDeleteSending seven magical seagulls to take away your pain. Happy Birthday, Leanne.
Happy birthday my sweeet friend!!!
ReplyDeleteLeanne! Wish I knew what to say! You're so sweet to make it a happy day for your daughters, but I understand the association of the bad memory & the date. Some times, it's hard to let go without feeling vulnerable. At least, I hold on to painful times to kind of protect me from more pain. Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteAny way, Happy birthday!
First, Happy Birthday Sweetie! And you're right...if nothing else, you celebrate for your girls. Because your girls now know the importance of celebrating birthdays!!
ReplyDeleteNow, here's the plan!! Sketch out/art journal what those 15 year old feelings represent. I'm thinking a little canvas thing is needed in order to move beyond this annual visitor! 40 is a good age to set free the demons!! Believe it or not, life gets better each and every year.
Happy, Happy Birthday. Congrats on making it to 40 and still being young at heart. I love that. I do have a few memories that bring pain every now and again, and my only consolation is my family, my children who need me. They need my strengths and weaknessess. They will benefit from both. One day, I hope to share those painful memories with them, tell them how I still find joy, and how to cope when people hurt you. It's all a mother can do, because we know, good and well, that we can't shelter them forever. We can only show and teach them, when age appropriate, how to manage, how to heal, forgive, and as you said, 'let go'.
ReplyDeleteGod love you, He'll guide you through!
Oh dear Leanne, I sincerely hope the day was better than you anticipated. Tanti Auguri x
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY you beautiful, radiant, cherished friend, you!!! Secondly, if you find the answer to ridding oneself of anniversary memories and ruminations, please please please let me know how! Things haunt me -- whether unresolved situations, things I wish I'd said (or not said), things that hurt ... I can't remember why I walk down the hall at work sometimes, but I can tell you in minute detail about some incident from years and years ago. I do hope none of this ruined your birthday -- that wouldn't be fair. And at this point (I have to admit, 'cause it's on me, too), WE have to not let that happen; THEY aren't doing anything anymore. Easier typed than done, though, I know all too well ....
ReplyDeleteHmmm... you pose a VERY interesting question. I am not sure how to answer that one.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. There is something you are not ready to let go of. The most important question you can answer is WHY? Why are you holding on to whatever this is? Is it protecting you? Does it feed your spirit? Does it allow you to grow?
Not enjoying the beginning of your life is a BIG deal. No doubt about it.
Go ahead - use this blog as your platform to work that out.
As for the rest - I think you need a little Wonder Woman power. :-) Happy birthday, friend. Many blessings.
Hmmm... you pose a VERY interesting question. I am not sure how to answer that one.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. There is something you are not ready to let go of. The most important question you can answer is WHY? Why are you holding on to whatever this is? Is it protecting you? Does it feed your spirit? Does it allow you to grow?
Not enjoying the beginning of your life is a BIG deal. No doubt about it.
Go ahead - use this blog as your platform to work that out.
As for the rest - I think you need a little Wonder Woman power. :-) Happy birthday, friend. Many blessings.
Leanne, I'm so sorry that your birthday is forever tainted. That's so unfortunate. Try to focus on you, your family and your special day. And best wishes for the upcoming year!
ReplyDelete