Faith . . .

My dearest friend Kathleen and I talked last night about Faith. First, while talking on the phone, then continuing our thoughts through text as more things came to our minds on the subject.

My friend has always been one of the most faithful individuals in my life. For 40 years, she has been in my life . . . and for 40 years I have admired the constant presence God has had in hers. I have spent a great part of these 40 years trying to learn from her, to follow her examples, to trust, to pray, to do all those things people of great faith do. Some times I have been successful at it. Other times, not so much.

She told me last night, as she has told me many times the past few months, "I pray for you everyday... so when you can't pray, I am praying for you."

That is a beautiful friend.

But, I am trying. I am trying to find my faith. Truly, I am. But the sadness I have been feeling seems greater each day, instead of less.

I keep thinking - maybe I am doing something wrong. I am saying those words. I am praying each and every day. I am spending quiet moments thinking of Him. I am asking for strength. For courage. I am trying very hard to show love. I am treating others as I want to be treated. I went to church in the middle of a snow storm, for Pete's sake. (Maybe I shouldn't say "for Pete's sake". I just googled it and it appears to be a substitute for God . . . maybe that is frowned upon. Hmmmm. Ok. I shall ponder.)

I digress.

I am trying. To find my faith. And doing these faithful things.

But my friends . . . I got nothing.

I sit at church and am easily distracted by anything that catches my eyes. I kneel and pray and cry, and beg for some sort of feeling or epiphany. Nothing. Just me . . . with tissue in hand blotting my smudged mascara and blowing my runny nose.

But I am trying.

The other day, I pulled a book down from my book shelf and started reading it. I have had it for a couple years - it's subject one of interest to me. "My Sisters the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir" by Colleen Carol Campbell.  I never read it when I initially added it to my shelf. I feel like it was waiting for me. For when the time was right. Like, now.

In it's pages, I found some restitute.

Yes.

When it comes down to it . . . I cannot force God to do what I want or explain why He has not done what I want. I cannot, and could not, force God to heal my sister. I am looking to Him to let me in on his little plan - the whys and why nots. But God is God, and I am not. I will, more than likely, never understand. I cannot control. I cannot predict. Case closed.

And . . .

I am going to say that outloud, just one more time.

"God does not abandon us in our suffering but uses suffering to draw us closer to him."

Yes, now that I get.

Because I do feel closer to Him.

I am leaning on him, hourly it seems. I am still waiting for that big "ah-ha" moment. But . . . maybe it will never come. Maybe it is not about that. Maybe.

So, my friends. That is me and faith as it stands today.

I have it. I believe. But man . . . it is still so very hard.

And I am still incredibly sad.

But, I have faith.

Sorry to go all "holy roller" on you. I am holding on to whatever I can these days, it seems. Trying to get by with whatever I can hold on to. Trying to find . . . my way.

And as always, I am grateful to you for being here with me.

Sending you peace and love today, dear friends.


p.s. We have a polar vortex thingamajig happening in Chicago right now. It is -20 right now, feels like -30. Crazy. I just felt like I HAD to mention it. I have been couped up in the house for a couple days. (Hence, the big thoughts on faith, I guess.) I might venture out . . . tomorrow. :)

p.p.s. I have now officially written THREE blog posts this year. That is THREE MORE than last year, and the year before, and the year before. YAY!

p.p.p.s. I am glad to be writing again. It feels good. Really good.

xo