Spanx: the Anti-Christ

Ok, I'm going to post about an experience that is quite personal, but what the heck - I think I threw out the privacy factor when I posted last week about perimenopause - so why stop there, right? My subject for today is something that, maybe, a few more of you might understand. Well, maybe. . .

You see, today I am on the defense against . . . SPANX. Seriously. Spanx. I believe that Spanx is the anti-christ. I'm pretty sure of it. And I'm a little offended that someone suggested I try them. That someone? A sweet, full-figured sales person at my favorite Lane Bryant store. Ok - I've made some strong statements here . . . so I better start backing them up, don't you think?

So the other day I had an opportunity to stop at Lane Bryant (hereby affectionately referred to as LB). I have a gift card from my sister that I haven't used yet, and thought I would stop in and see if I could find anything I can wear for an upcoming business trip. I found a few pairs of pants to try on, and was pretty sure they would work (right? wrong). Anyway, #1 . . . had some potential, #2 . . . was bad, #3 . . . was actually pretty good. However, I wasn't completely happy with the lines on my bottom (hereby affectionately referred to as bootie.) That's when the sweet, full-figured sales person suggested I try the SPANX. Let me start by telling you - I'm not upset with her. She was a doll and was really helping me. However, what she DID was sic the Anti-Christ on my thighs. And that action requires a little mentioning.

First of all - what is SPANX? Well . . . it's a GIRDLE!!!! Why have we given something a trendy modern name when it is just a plain ol'fashioned GIRDLE!?!?! Yes, I know SPANX are much lighter than the girdles of, say, my grandma's day and age. However . . . getting the Spanx up and over the bootie was, let's just say, a WILD CIRCUS ACT that surely would have gotten 1million+ hits on You Tube, if I had a camera with me. (Darn, why didn't I think of that? I could have made $1million off of America's Funniest Home videos! Wait - that means my bootie would have been seen by people all over the world. Ah, well.) Anyway, after much pulling, pushing, shoving, grunting, squatting, stretching and sweating . . . the spanx were on. And how did they look? Well, without the pants, I looked like a freshly stuffed polish sausage link. With the pants . . . I looked . . . pretty darn good. So I took the dressing room runway walk, up and down, and checked out my bootie from all angles. Yes, pretty good. I could live with this. That is . . . until I remembered something.

You see, I know that at some point when wearing said pants and spanx, I will have to use the ladies room. That's just a normal thing, right? Now, let's just imagine that it is the restroom ON AN AIRPLANE. Let's just IMAGINE that for a brief moment, why don't we? (But don't imagine it TOO long, because the thought is quite disturbing!) But could you, for a brief moment, picture my bootie and I pulling, pushing, shoving, grunting, squatting, stretching and sweating in an actual AIRPLANE restroom? HELL NO!

So, I did what any intelligent woman would do. I gladly handed my sweet, full-figure LB girl the opened SPANX and said, "No thank you!" and bought #1 - the some potential one. Taking a second look at #1 now, and I have to tell you, they look pretty darn good! Photo of spanx courtesy of http://www.spanx.com/.