If I Could Turn Back Time
No, don't worry. I'm not about to break out with a medley of Cher songs right now, although I've got a pretty awesome long blonde wig that I .... WAIT ..... STOP!!!! Ignore that! ; )
This post is actually going to be a serious one. Well, somewhat serious. Because right now, I'm feeling pretty awful. You see, I'm fairly certain that I have ruined my child.
Ok, let me start at the beginning . . . if you don't mind - I'd like to bounce this one off of you. Every parent I know thinks that their children are the best in the world, right? Well, I am no exception to that. If you know me, you know that I absolutely adore my daughters. They are pretty amazing girls who are full of joy and fun. They mean the world to me. For real.
My eldest daughter, Katie, is . . . incredible. She's definitely an old soul - a smart thinker with amazing problem solving skills. She knows me so well, and loves me anyway. She believes in me, when I don't believe in myself. That's why what I am about to share with you makes me so very disappointed in myself.
Have you ever said something and the minute it comes out of your mouth it's like a little bubble floating in the air that you wish you could just pull back in? Well, this is what happened with Kate. About a month ago, she did something that I questioned. Actually, I must have been annoyed by it. So I said, "Katie, why would you do that? Really. I don't know what you were thinking. Use your brain, child."
Ok.
That was it.
I told her to "use her brain". And while it may not sound like a terribly horrific thing to say, the minute it came out of my mouth I felt like it was a little too harsh for what was happening. The truth is, I can't even remember what it was that she did that annoyed me so much (that tells you how important it was, right?) Anyway, I feel bad saying those words to her. And it has bothered me ever since. I keep thinking that that is not the way to build up her confidence. That is not the way to get her to believe in all she is doing and believe in who she is. That is not the way I would talk to others, and not the way I would like her to talk to others. My job as a parent is to lead by example, right? What example was I setting to her?
So, this is where the kicker really comes into play. I terribly regret saying those words to her. (SIDE NOTE: If you don't know me, I'll share that I really am not one to regret anything. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and to regret something that I may have done in my past does nothing for my present or my future. Every single thing I have done in my past has brought me to this place where I am today. If anything from my past would be different, I would not be where I am now. And right now, I am in a really good place. So, I spend very little time on regrets. But this is one.) Anyway, a number of times since that day, Katie has referred to that comment. Not directly, but for an example; yesterday it rained and after the rain, the girls decided to go play outside. Katie had nice shoes on, and decided to come in and change her shoes. When I asked her why she was coming back inside so quickly after just leaving, she said, "I used my brain, Mom, and decided I didn't want my nice shoes to get dirty." (Augh ... I felt so bad that she said that.)
Last week she was doing something and I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I'm using my brain, Mom," and on she went to explain her thoughts.
On one hand I feel like maybe I did a good thing and reminded her that she has a brain - that she can make really smart decisions - and that is a really good thing. But on the other hand, I think that I said an awful thing to her and I ruined my daughter.
I am probably too close to the situation to see it clearly. So, I guess I am looking to my blog friends for their input and to share your stories. Have you ever said something and regretted it? Have I damaged my daughter, who I truly love with all my heart?
I'm looking for a little guidance from those far wiser than me. Please feel free to share your thoughts . . . I appreciate them all!
This post is actually going to be a serious one. Well, somewhat serious. Because right now, I'm feeling pretty awful. You see, I'm fairly certain that I have ruined my child.
Ok, let me start at the beginning . . . if you don't mind - I'd like to bounce this one off of you. Every parent I know thinks that their children are the best in the world, right? Well, I am no exception to that. If you know me, you know that I absolutely adore my daughters. They are pretty amazing girls who are full of joy and fun. They mean the world to me. For real.
My eldest daughter, Katie, is . . . incredible. She's definitely an old soul - a smart thinker with amazing problem solving skills. She knows me so well, and loves me anyway. She believes in me, when I don't believe in myself. That's why what I am about to share with you makes me so very disappointed in myself.
Have you ever said something and the minute it comes out of your mouth it's like a little bubble floating in the air that you wish you could just pull back in? Well, this is what happened with Kate. About a month ago, she did something that I questioned. Actually, I must have been annoyed by it. So I said, "Katie, why would you do that? Really. I don't know what you were thinking. Use your brain, child."
Ok.
That was it.
I told her to "use her brain". And while it may not sound like a terribly horrific thing to say, the minute it came out of my mouth I felt like it was a little too harsh for what was happening. The truth is, I can't even remember what it was that she did that annoyed me so much (that tells you how important it was, right?) Anyway, I feel bad saying those words to her. And it has bothered me ever since. I keep thinking that that is not the way to build up her confidence. That is not the way to get her to believe in all she is doing and believe in who she is. That is not the way I would talk to others, and not the way I would like her to talk to others. My job as a parent is to lead by example, right? What example was I setting to her?
So, this is where the kicker really comes into play. I terribly regret saying those words to her. (SIDE NOTE: If you don't know me, I'll share that I really am not one to regret anything. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and to regret something that I may have done in my past does nothing for my present or my future. Every single thing I have done in my past has brought me to this place where I am today. If anything from my past would be different, I would not be where I am now. And right now, I am in a really good place. So, I spend very little time on regrets. But this is one.) Anyway, a number of times since that day, Katie has referred to that comment. Not directly, but for an example; yesterday it rained and after the rain, the girls decided to go play outside. Katie had nice shoes on, and decided to come in and change her shoes. When I asked her why she was coming back inside so quickly after just leaving, she said, "I used my brain, Mom, and decided I didn't want my nice shoes to get dirty." (Augh ... I felt so bad that she said that.)
Last week she was doing something and I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I'm using my brain, Mom," and on she went to explain her thoughts.
On one hand I feel like maybe I did a good thing and reminded her that she has a brain - that she can make really smart decisions - and that is a really good thing. But on the other hand, I think that I said an awful thing to her and I ruined my daughter.
I am probably too close to the situation to see it clearly. So, I guess I am looking to my blog friends for their input and to share your stories. Have you ever said something and regretted it? Have I damaged my daughter, who I truly love with all my heart?
I'm looking for a little guidance from those far wiser than me. Please feel free to share your thoughts . . . I appreciate them all!
Don't beat yourself up! I don't believe your daughter is ruined! Think about it Mom (use your brain) - that's all you said. Think about it. So - she is learning to be a more critical thinker. You and I both know, if she can accept this constructive criticism and use it (which she did - which proves she is a smart cookie) - she will be able to handle a lot worse in the future. Kids, teachers, bosses,- the world - are going to say things that are a heck of a lot more harsh than "Use your brain." You just used words (in her mind, that made sense) - and in your mind, might have come off harsh. Just explain to her the translation - "Use your brain/Think about it" and perhaps her verbiage will change. Your an awesome mommy!
ReplyDeleteYou did absolutely nothing wrong. Stop worrying your sweet heart! You merely told your girl to use her brain. And like your reader above, so wisely put it, you were just telling her to think about it. Using your brain is actually a positive thing. And even though, you might have said it in a fit of annoyance, but you just asked her to think about it. I have 3 teenaged daughters. Trust me, when i tell you, there will be MANY times you need to tell them to use their brain.
ReplyDeleteI agree! Don't beat yourself up! There is nothing wrong with what you said, it's all a matter of inturpretation. I doubt she will be scarred for life or anything. I'm sure I've said harsher things to my girls and they're ok. You are obviously a fantastic mom!
ReplyDeleteI would not be so fearful that you have scarred her for life! If anything, you showed her the importance of "using her brain" or "thinking". She will likely remember this for some time to come, as she is referencing it...but you should not take it so hard that she is remembering it; but rather that it made an impact on her that will certainly come in handy as she marches on in life. To remember to use one's brain is indeed one of the strongest ways to survive life.
ReplyDeleteYou did good mom, she still loves you, stop worrying!
It just goes to show what a wonderful smart child you have. When you told her to "use your brain" you were in a state of annoyance but she didn't take it that way. She took it literally and matter of factly, it made sense to her and now it looks as if shes doing just that.
ReplyDeleteYou are very lucky to have such a deep young lady who doesn't offend easily. Her skills will get her far in life.
You're doing a great job, what a awesome mom you are!!
Oh Leanne, we've all had things leaping out of our mouths. I swore I wouldn't say those mom things and I did. Now, SOME of them I apologized for and my boys just stared at me like "What's the big deal?" You are a good mama and are raising fine, good children!
ReplyDeleteWell, i'm certainly not "far wiser" than you! ;) I will tell you that I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it did show her that taking some time to think about things and making good choices is well within her power. How can THAT be a bad thing!?! Besides- it that's the worst thing you've done?!?! Well let's just say I won't be confessing my parenting sins anytime soon! ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, you did nothing wrong. What you may have said in exasperation, did no harm. You made her understand that critical thinking is a skill and put her in touch with some intrapersonal skills of being aware of where her thoughts come from. She's a gifted little girl and being reminded of the process will do no harm. Not like you called her a numbskull....lol....you'd have had to explain that one!
ReplyDeleteOkay, so everyone has already told you exactly what I'm going to tell you. That you did nothing wrong. (No, I won't tell you that we all turn into our mothers to some degree or another. Okay, so maybe I just said that!!).
ReplyDeleteBut here's a thought. You know those "Good Mom Ideas" you have on your Creative tab? Why not turn this around to ease your pain!?! Grab some old magazines and have the girls do a story board or poster on "Using Your Brain". I hear giggles already!! Then post what the girls create!! That way, we all gain from your pain!!!
Y'know I love ya, LW!!
I totally understand where you're coming from. I will say that in my humble opinion, what you said was fine and in no way damaging.
ReplyDeleteI have an incident where I yelled at my son once when he was little (not that I haven't yelled at him since) but this one time I yelled when he was probably already feeling vulnerable, and to this day, more than 10 years later, I feel guilty.
At the same time, when I apologized to him, I used it as an example to show him that mom was not super human, but a mere mortal who makes mistakes. I am happy to report that he's one of the most awesome 19 year olds I know. Sensitive, kind to his mama, has a great bunch of friends, no drugs...is a bit quirky, but that's because he's an art major -- the artistic type. :)
I love that you love your girls so much that you worry about things like this, though. It shows what an awesome mama you are. :)