Who am I?
Last night, I went on a date. And it was so lovely. No kids. No friends. Just PG and I. It has been a long time since PG and I got our act together enough to go out on a date. Sad, I know, but true. So, last night, we gathered up some goodies, packed up the kids for Grandma's (thanks, Mom!) and headed to a concert at Ravinia.
There we enjoyed a lovely picnic of our favorite things (wine) and sat under the trees and stars while one of our favorite bands (Counting Crows) performed. . . it was a relaxing, lovely evening. And one that I desperately needed.
It's sort of strange - PG and I haven't been out in a while (with the exception of grocery stores, school meetings, family gatherings, things like that.) I can't remember when we last did this. At first I did the usual people watching - Oh, I love people watching! And you can always find some interesting people to watch at a music concert. (A concert, and an airport. I think those are my 2 favorite places to watch people.) There were lots of hot messes out, some folks older than us (so glad to see that), and lots of young and energetic '20somethings'. But after a while ... I started to feel a little strange. Here I was, in a beautiful place about to see a great concert. And I was feeling a little melancholy. Watching all of these people, I began to feel a little . . . lost.
I think I lost a lot of who I was when I became a Mom. And I didn't really realize that until I sat down at the concert. I won't get too philosophical on you - but it was really a weird feeling. We talked about it, PG and I, while enjoying our picnic and waiting for the concert to start. We talked about music (which was a big thing we had in common when we met) and I said that I feel like I've lost my passion for music when I had the kids. This was really sad for PG to hear, as he is a HUGE lover of music. So, he wanted to discuss it and help me find my love for music again. It was hard for him to understand - and I'm not sure if he completely can. But I think maybe other moms out there will know what I am talking about. When I had my daughters - it seems like everything in life has become about them. Their needs, their dreams, their goals, their lives. And - that is how it SHOULD be for a Mom, I guess. However, somewhere along the line I lost ME.
That's kind of sad.
I think one of the reasons I love blogging is because I am able to find a little bit of 'me' with every single post that I write. While I may write about my family and my daughters - I am able to write about my feelings and my thoughts and write in a way that lifts me up. Yes, I guess this blogging thing is helping me be a little closer to myself than I ever realized.
The concert went on to be pretty good . . . we were a little disappointed that it was a concert with a few other bands as well, so Counting Crows didn't play as much as we expected. But, it was a great night to be out - to focus on "me" a little, and to enjoy some of this LIFE.
I've been following her and reading her blog for quite a while now. She is truly one of the most interesting people I've come to know in blogland. She lives an exciting life full of adventures (lots of them), she's gone to Egypt and found love (for real), and always writes with such honesty that I admire every word she posts. Some of my favorite posts of hers include this one about her 14 kids (seriously, you MUST read it - she is SOOOO cool.) Oh, and this one, when she wonders if life would be different if....
Doesn't she sound great? Yep, that Nicole - she's a good one! AND - she has written today about a goal to reach 100 blog followers by the end of today. So, take a little side trip over to her lovely home - you never know where Nicole might take you today! Just love that girl!!! Follow her - she's totally worth following!
There we enjoyed a lovely picnic of our favorite things (wine) and sat under the trees and stars while one of our favorite bands (Counting Crows) performed. . . it was a relaxing, lovely evening. And one that I desperately needed.
It's sort of strange - PG and I haven't been out in a while (with the exception of grocery stores, school meetings, family gatherings, things like that.) I can't remember when we last did this. At first I did the usual people watching - Oh, I love people watching! And you can always find some interesting people to watch at a music concert. (A concert, and an airport. I think those are my 2 favorite places to watch people.) There were lots of hot messes out, some folks older than us (so glad to see that), and lots of young and energetic '20somethings'. But after a while ... I started to feel a little strange. Here I was, in a beautiful place about to see a great concert. And I was feeling a little melancholy. Watching all of these people, I began to feel a little . . . lost.
I think I lost a lot of who I was when I became a Mom. And I didn't really realize that until I sat down at the concert. I won't get too philosophical on you - but it was really a weird feeling. We talked about it, PG and I, while enjoying our picnic and waiting for the concert to start. We talked about music (which was a big thing we had in common when we met) and I said that I feel like I've lost my passion for music when I had the kids. This was really sad for PG to hear, as he is a HUGE lover of music. So, he wanted to discuss it and help me find my love for music again. It was hard for him to understand - and I'm not sure if he completely can. But I think maybe other moms out there will know what I am talking about. When I had my daughters - it seems like everything in life has become about them. Their needs, their dreams, their goals, their lives. And - that is how it SHOULD be for a Mom, I guess. However, somewhere along the line I lost ME.
That's kind of sad.
I think one of the reasons I love blogging is because I am able to find a little bit of 'me' with every single post that I write. While I may write about my family and my daughters - I am able to write about my feelings and my thoughts and write in a way that lifts me up. Yes, I guess this blogging thing is helping me be a little closer to myself than I ever realized.
The concert went on to be pretty good . . . we were a little disappointed that it was a concert with a few other bands as well, so Counting Crows didn't play as much as we expected. But, it was a great night to be out - to focus on "me" a little, and to enjoy some of this LIFE.
I don't know how to totally find myself again. But PG is determined to help me (he is such a good guy, my PG. I am blessed beyond words.) Thanks for letting me work through some of this. Today, I'm still feeling a little empty . . . not in Crankville (I don't plan on going there), but I am desperately wanting to reconnect with the girl I used to be.
Looks like I've got some more writing to do.
How about you? Do you ever feel like you've lost the person you used to be? How do you reconnect with your old self? I'd love to know . . .
BUT . . .
BUT . . .
Before I leave - a quick PSA for my dear dear blog friend, Nicole, over at Destination: Unknown.
I've been following her and reading her blog for quite a while now. She is truly one of the most interesting people I've come to know in blogland. She lives an exciting life full of adventures (lots of them), she's gone to Egypt and found love (for real), and always writes with such honesty that I admire every word she posts. Some of my favorite posts of hers include this one about her 14 kids (seriously, you MUST read it - she is SOOOO cool.) Oh, and this one, when she wonders if life would be different if....
Doesn't she sound great? Yep, that Nicole - she's a good one! AND - she has written today about a goal to reach 100 blog followers by the end of today. So, take a little side trip over to her lovely home - you never know where Nicole might take you today! Just love that girl!!! Follow her - she's totally worth following!
Hello darling girl...first of all, yes...I agree that Nicole's blog is fabulous. Very interesting...I'm an avid follower of hers!
ReplyDeleteNow on to you...I am also an avid follower of yours, by the way! I am a mom of 3 older teens, one is off to college and the other two are juniors in high school. For many years before my divorce I was a SAHM and loved every minute of it, but once the divorce happened, I found out that I, like you, had NO idea who I was anymore.
I think if I could go back and change one thing about my thinking back then, it would be that all things are equally important - children, spouse AND self. So often as women we put everything and everyone else before ourselves, but in all honesty, if we don't take care of ourselves there is nothing to give to others.
So, keep blogging! Make date nights with your hubby and do those things you liked to do when you were dating (had I done more of this I would probably be married still). And every now & then, take a day just for you... get a massage, a pedicure, go to your favorite store and just soak it all in...or better yet - TRY SOMETHING NEW!
I guess what I'm saying is that it takes effort to keep everything in balance, and our NATURE is to focus on others more than ourselves. But that's not true balance.
I don't know if any of that rambling helps or makes any sense. Just know that I TOTALLY understand what you are saying. Sending you a big, big hug!!!!!
Doris makes a great point -- the key is balance! Continuing to have a life outside of being a mom will benefit your well being & (believe it or not) make you an even BETTER mom! If you love music, listen to Pandora.com while you are online. It isn't the same as being at a concert, but it will add a little exposure to your routine, right?
ReplyDeleteAbout your picnic -- SO jealous! It seems like you had an amazing time. I am so happy for you! Music, wine, fruit, did I see some cheese? HEAVEN!
I know where you're coming from. My son is 19 now and I'm just finally getting to a place where I'm reclaiming my identity of "just Michele" and not necessarily always being first and foremost "Nathans Mom"
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your blog so much. :)
You know I am on the tail end of the parenting spectrum and what you are going through is perfectly natural. Really! You are still in there, baby! That flame is still alive! I am so glad you found blogging as a form of rediscovering yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh honey...don't I know it! We have lost ourselfs in our kids and if all goes well they will get the best of us. That is what a good mom is, lost in her kids. A bad mom (hey great post idea comming on) is one that puts her self first and her kids run all over her...you know.
ReplyDeleteI use to go dancing 3 nights a week...I was slim and sassy, loved the music and getting lost in it. Now the best I do is "Just dance" on the Wii...you know what I'm talking about.
True blogging does help keep me in touch with myself...I say after the kids are all grown or when we have the Money we travel to eachothers city and have a girls weekend out...maybe add some others blogging moms to that and its an adveture.
Well I can dream...
Great post...and I'm going to go friend your friend. :)
OOOh Leanne. *sigh* Here is what I have to say about your blog post - No. No. No. You have NOT lost yourself. You have evolved. There is a distinct difference. I do believe we have to. Yes, you are not that "free" girl that went to concerts with PG before the kids - but you still have music in your heart. That's the beauty of it all. Instead of late nights with the girls and a bottle of wine, you might be placing some of the most precious memories into a scrap book and revelling in this beautiful legacy you are living.
ReplyDeleteI know i don't have to say it, but never feel like you are missing out on life - because, instead of experiencing some of the adventures those of us w/o kids get to have - you CREATED life. That's worth a heck of a lot more than I can ever leave behind.
PS - Thanks for the shout out. I swear, you have become an excellent friend! :-)
I totally relate. I have gone thorough trying to find myself many times. First when we moved to a new state and I was a fish out of water and seemed to adapt , but then felt that lost feeling. Then when we moved back to CA, new city, no friends and one by one our daughters have moved out, and then during all this change,our world turned upside down..no longer a home owner, not working, no kids to raise, too much time on my own, it leaves a lot of time to say "who am I ?" I really do not know who I am or what I am supposed to be, so I am back on the hunt for me , not the old me, but a new me....blogging really helps with that, a journal to myself and the world of my journey, and it helps a lot to know I am not alone!
ReplyDeleteI had an actual date last night too!! Doesn't happen much, even though the kids are older now. I think the music thing with me is that I have to be able to listen and relax, and when you are "on" all the time as a mom, it's just hard to really hear the music, in more ways than one.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE that Menage a Toi wine, too!
Leanne, you're not lost. You are just the newer version of Leanne. And you are exactly where you should be in your life right now. And right now, you're realizing that some of what you had is some of what you want back, to go along with all the mommy things you are. Don't for a second think you're lost. And know that you are MY guiding light in this world of blogging. Your taste in music has changed, not gone away. You're just listening to more Hannah and less Crows.
ReplyDeleteJust know you're on the right path.
Hey there! I have been following Nicole for quite some time. Sje is a great writer! Peggy wrote a very true and great comment above. I couldn't have said it better! Have a great night!
ReplyDeleteMama Hen
I found your blog through a recommendation on Mama's Little Nestwork. I'm a new follower!
ReplyDeleteThank you for joining my Nestwork my friend. I had worked on it for a dew months, but finally got it up a couple of weeks ago. I am happy you like it! I have worked hard at it along with keeping my blog going. I work on it at night and it can get late with everything. Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it! About your feeling lost. I think we start to struggle with this as moms, because we feel like that is everything, which we are happy to have it be everything in our lives because our children mean the world to us. But, somehow we have to find ourselves and nurture that. I struggle with this too. I waited so long to finally become a mommy and I want to really cherish the time that I have with my greatest blessing. I have lost me and it can be seen in the weight that I have gained and the lack of exercise and my not getting out any more. But we have to work on these things my friend. Have a great night!
ReplyDeleteMama Hen
Oh the irony. You blogged about your lost love of music and I submerged myself in music this week to escape my "lost" love of blogging. Thank you so much for the comment you left.
ReplyDeleteThat looks like a great picnic - wine is the essential ingredient ;) I'm glad you had a nice evening, and I hope you can find the right balance between being "you" and being "mom"
ReplyDeleteOh, this seems to be the theme of the summer -- I've been having similar conversations with Tom about who I'm evolving into. I used to be someone who did the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle every week; gave up my subscription to the paper 'cause I was so far behind. I used to watch baseball like an addict; I can't even tell you where the Yankees or the Tigers are in the standings today. With each new relationship -- friends, boyfriends, children -- we morph ... sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. And seeing those 20-somethings who could be my kids??? Oh, it makes me think of hopes and dreams deferred, of potential, of not being too old yet to find new aspirations ... oh, I hear ya loud and clear!
ReplyDeleteHey, girl. I could have wrote this post...I think any mom could have. I remember when my kids were little having these thoughts almost daily. My husband was working 100 hours a week in our biz and I was home all day without a break caring for them. Then when they would go to bed my DH would come home and he would need me to listen to him vent or whatever so there was very little time to just think about what it was I wanted.
ReplyDeleteWas I being selfish? I used to think so. I used to think I was a bad mom because I had those thoughts.
Now that my kids are nearly 16 and 13 my life has changed so much. You don't realize it...but when they are little it really is all about them. With that being said...you still MUST take time for you. You must never lose who you are...it may be harder to that, true. But your blog, your scrap nights with friends, dates with your husband, journaling...all of those things can keep you lifted up and help you be up for Katie and Ella.
When your kids get older you will find yourself having so much more time. At least that is what I'm finding. Sure, in a lot of ways they need you even more as teens but it's different. They are gone more with school, activities and friends so you'll have more time. I know for me as they've turned into teens I find myself thinking about when they leave home and realize it's not that long...so I better find out what it is I want for myself...because soon enough my days won't be kept busy taking them to their activities, enjoying their games or trying to help them through their latest crisis.
I hope I'm making sense...I have gone on long enough-LOL!
BTW, I am now following your friend. Her blog IS great!!!
Love ya!!!
Leslie
Aaah, Ravinia...how I loved thee!
ReplyDeleteFunny, I never heard of Menage a Trois wine until Memphis.
I had a few realizations like that in the past year, I'd say. And I've made a point to start doing things for ME. I'm happy Craig is supportive of that, and that I'm getting back out to do things for myself and not always putting the kids first.
I love Menage a Trois wine! Glad you had a fun night out. agree with Nicole - you're evolving, not losing yourself. All of the pieces that make you YOU are still there...they just have to find a new place to live and be, and learn to work with all of the other new pieces that make up part of you as you grow.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure it out :)
Oh my gosh Leanne, I am just catching up on some of my favorite reads here (you) and first of all...Counting Crows!!! Again, something else we have in common. My husband and I are big time fans and sadly we haven't seen them since having kids! I can totally relate about this exact thing...losing some of myself. It has been all about the children and music was a big part of both of our lives. You have actually inspired me to start bringing it back to our lives. I don't why I find that so hard. You are right about blogging too, I feel I have taken back and rediscovered my passion for writing. I'm so glad your husband is so supportive and understanding. Here's to rediscovering yourself again:) That concert with your hubby was sure a great start!
ReplyDelete