From Chaos Comes Happiness

"Are you writing during this time?" my friend asked. "No," I answered. "Don't you think you should?" she asked. "I don't know," I answered. My friend. She knows me. She loves me. She knows that writing is my therapy. She knows that it is what I do when I am working through challenges in life.  "Don't you think you should?" She also knows that if she plants that little seed in my ear, it will more than likely grab hold of some part of this brain and grow it's little roots in every part of my being . . . until . . . I write. Damn. Friends. ;) I am not writing right now. Because, for the past 11 years, I have taken pride in always finding a way to the positive during rather dark and dismal times. Yes, I do that. I try to see through the challenges and find the silver lining. But right now, I can't do that. Because right now, the emotions I have swirling in my head don't seem to have silve...

  Phil is out of town. Has been all week. We have a few more days until he returns . . . and I can't wait. My brain is full. This happens from time to time. I sit in silence, but the thoughts keep coming at me full force. I can't work them all out. Usually, when he is in town, I can bounce them off him. He listens (or maybe sometimes doesn't), but he is physically there receiving them. Right now, not so much.  So I am sitting in my living room this very minute, windows open with a gentle breeze coming in and out, the sounds of cars driving by, birds singing, neighbors talking, and my own two girls playing Barbie's all taking place in the background.  And me . . . the mind is just going.  So I thought I would capture these thoughts . . . as many as I could . . . in no particular order. Thoughts like . . .  I am so grateful for that dishwasher. I wonder how many times other people run theirs? I wonder how often people have to get new machines. What is the going a...

                  My throat is killing me tonight. Absolutely killing me.  I've been fighting this thing for a whole week. Last Saturday, I saw a doctor and was told I had an ear infection, upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, bronchitis, and a bad cold and cough (I think I told her those last two things.)  I left the visit with a bag full of medicines, and the advice to get as much rest as I could. Antibiotic, cough syrup with codeine, inhaler, nasal spray, and some other cough tablet. The whole kit and kaboodle. And for the past 7 days, I have taken - faithfully - everything prescribed. Followed doctors orders exactly as they were set out for me.  And I am not feeling much better. A little, yes. But not as much as I expected to be feeling, one week later.  In fact this evening, as we sat at the birthday party for a friends daughter, I told Phil that I felt like my throat was getting sore all over again. Again. T...

Lately, I find myself spending a good part of each and every day trying to not have a panic attack - which is absolutely ridiculous, and I get angry just to hear myself say it. I don't know how other people handle it . . . this thing called life.  How they meet all of their responsibilities and deal with everything on their plates without going into a complete and total breakdown is just beyond me. God Bless 'em.   Some days, as I'm driving in the car, I find myself taking deep breaths in and out and counting to 10 just to keep myself from hyperventilating. The car is when I do a lot of thinking - when it all seems to catch up with me. So I breath in and out, over and over, trying to re-group. It all will get done. It all will be fine. I can do this. I tell myself those things . . . over and over again.   And I've got it so easy, too. Really.  I know this as clear as day. I know that there are  people out there that have it bad. Really bad. I don't ...

                       So, I'm am ALL into Art Journaling lately.  It makes my heART feel happy.  And I love the play on words - the  heart and art . They truly are the perfect combination for me.  I am a great admirer of those who pour their creative words and creative selves onto the pages of a sketch book. I could spend hours on Pinterest looking at one image or another of someones art journals. And sometimes, I do just that (spend hours on Pinterest). It fills my creative pitcher, and sometimes - it is exactly what I need.  I bought a new sketch book strictly for my Art Journaling. This will not be one full of doodles or zentangles, like my other sketch books. This won't all be happy and sappy. The main purpose of this one will be to art journal . In the coming weeks I hope to share many of my new creations with you here.  But . . . I must preface this by saying the followi...

I can't believe I haven't written in a month. One month. One complete and entire month. Augh. As I've said many times before, I'm multi-creatively-challenged. I swear, I need to write a book just on that concept alone. However in doing that, I fear it would bring yet another absence of some other creative task. I started the year off so strong here in blogland, but somewhere got lost this past month. In between starting a new health regimen, Phil's really crazy busy travel schedule, a craft fair, and a whole desire to get in touch with myself (again . . . ), my blog fell to the wayside. Something always gives. Sniff. Sniff. My sister is always telling me to stop apologizing for things (I am a frequent "I'm sorry" girl). Actually, she yells at me. "STOP SAYING YOU'RE SORRY!!!!" she'll demand, when I truly deep in my heart express apologies to people for what they are expressing. "STOP IT!!" She gets pissed at me. It m...

I've made a fairly big decision about how I am going to play out this amazing 2014 and my attempts to FOCUS. Remember, focus is my "word" for the year: what I am going to work towards, what is going to help me move forward physically, mentally, creatively and spiritually. It is THE plan for 2014. FOCUS. I'm working so hard at it, my friends. Truly and deeply. Each and every day. I am in living in the moment, really stopping my mind when it starts trailing off into a thousand and one directions, and keep myself grounded in the now. It is actually a lot harder than I thought it would be, but so very worth it. I'm feeling good this year. Really good. So, back to my decision. One of my favorite artists and mentors introduced an e-course on her amazing craft this year. I was on the email list for updates on the class, and quickly opened the announcement when it came out. I was THRILLED (like - butterflies in the stomach excited) when I saw it. B...

I'm so proud of my daughters. There are times when I look at the beautiful souls they are becoming, and my heart swells. We talk constantly . . . communication . . . that is the key. When I know that something is really bothering them, I want to talk it through. I've raised them to know that there is nothing that we can't work through - nothing that we can't figure out - nothing that we can't talk about.  When they were younger (3 or 4), the conversations were short and brief. Their worries were simple things that I could always figure out. I almost enjoyed those opportunites, so I could show them how easy the solutions really were. But now, as they get older, some of their questions and concerns have become harder to address.  Things in our extended family life have been challenging this past holiday. Disagreements from years ago resurfaced, certain family members didn't attend holiday gatherings, and feelings of hurt and anger that were long covered over have ...

No, no . . . dear friends, I am not  talking about letting the grays go el'natural on the hair coloring end of life. But thanks for thinking that! This is so much more than that. This is about life. Me. And Focus. You haven't forgotten that little 'Word of the Year' thing yet, have you? Focus. So, I'm doing that. A lot of it. The first thing I wanted to really focus on, was my writing. Here. On this blog. Last year was a pathetic attempt at writing. Again, with the mind going 100mph - there sure were opportunities of great thought coming in, but none of them stayed long enough to make it to the screen. So this week I wanted to really take a look at what kept me away from the blog. Why did my writing decline so much in 2013? What pulled me from something that meant so much to me for so very very long. It was simple . . . really. I think some where along my Blogland adventure last year, I tried to be something that I just wasn't. You under...

Oh, the ups and downs. The blues. The dumps. Whatever it is. I'm fighting them. Big time. It's sort of crazy - the emotional state of my creative soul. Up and down . . . feels like one heck of a roller coaster. Am I an artist? Can I do this? Can I make it? What is "making it"? How long can I keep this up? When will I be able to contribute regularly to our family? Will I ever be able to? Is it time to get back to work? Like . . . the kind real work that I used to do? Oh, I feel like I'm on one heck of a roller coaster these days. Up and down . . . and up again. I remember . . . way back when . . . that I used to come to my blog when I found myself in this state of mind. Write it out. The cheapest and most effective form of therapy for me. So, here I am. Putting it out there. Do with it what you will, Universe. Because, like all that I've said before . . . it's me. And it's real. Yes, I've found myself questioning what I am doing, ...

We've been so busy the past week or so . . . from trips into the city, a day at the Art Institute, an over night at Nana and Papa's, and blueberry picking fun . . . my mind is racing. I think I've taught a few art classes in between, too . . . although I might be imagining that. Phil is in the middle of a nightmarishly hectic work season, and has to miss most of the fun. This makes me uber sad, and also gives me a for real experience of being a single mom. And let me tell you . . . it's exhausting. Our summer calendar has been filled out thoroughly and very strategically, with plans and opportunities for adventures at almost every hour. And it is catching up to me. I am  l o n g i n g  for some free time, as I've decided this constant activity is not good for my soul. I need quiet time. Unscheduled days. Moments when I can allow my head to move from thought to thought freely, without forcing it to adapt to ...

So, I am renewing. Day by day. For those of you who read my last post, and those who commented with such love and support . . . I thank you. I am ok. I promise. Day by day. I've started, by spending more time outside. Getting out of the house, breathing in some fresh air (now that my allergies are more under control), getting away from the telephone and all the other things that give me anxiety and taking in the beautiful life around. I've gone on about four bike rides since my last post. Not very long ones. But long enough to close my eyes and feel the cool breeze on my face. Long enough to clear my mind and listen to the birds flying by. Long enough to get away from all the anxiety for a bit. I've also stopped eating bread. I'm trying. Again. Day by day. I had pasta last night  . . . couldn't help myself. But haven't had bread in a few days. That's a good thing. And, I'm taking pictures again . . . a lot of them. Right now, they are primarily...

Boy, have I been messed up lately. A hot mess, actually. Not the hot mess like I was when I was sick last month. ( Remember ?) No, this is just the normal hot mess me. Does that make sense? So incredibly cranky. Tired. Frustrated. Lonely. Bored. Exhausted. (Is it even possible to be both bored yet exhausted at the same time?) Hot. Short-tempered. Irritated. Ignored. Defensive. Just a whole bunch of nasty negatives . . . blah. blah. blah. I don't like the person I've been. I've been bothered by things others have said months ago, and can't seem to get past it. My defenses are up - the mortar on my brick wall has long dried, and I have no desire to take it down. I've got 0% creative ideas these days, I'm bummed that enrollment for my classes hasn't totally taken off, and the thought of even going away for a few days has me anxiety ridden at the thought of spending too much of the money our family needs to survive right now. I don't feel ...

  I love making wishes.   And I love the magic of the moment right when you make one.   As if the wish fairies are flying around high above you, with their fairy nets in their hands, just ready to catch your wish.   You know that moment . . .  when the candles are lit, and the lights are turned off, and the sound of people singing to you is faint in your head, because you are thinking about . . .   y o u r   * w * i * s * h *    and then, when the singing stops . . .  you take that deep breath in and with all your might . . .   . . . blow as hard as you can, so your wish will come true.   *  *  *  *  *  *    I still believe in wishes. Even when I know some of them can't really come true.   Because yesterday,  my wish would have been to stop time . . .   right here...

13 days. It's been 13 days since I've written here. Yikes. That has to been the longest break I've ever taken from my blog. How could it be? Where, on earth, have I been? I've always said I'm Multi-Creatively Challenged - I have a hard time putting creative effort into multiple avenues at one time. I can work on a couple of 'like' projects at the same time, but throw something completely different into the mix, and I'm blubber. It doesn't work for me. The brain can't function. So trying to write a meaningful and well written blog post the past few weeks has been almost impossible. Because . . . I'm in holiday gift making mode. I had a table at a local Holiday Bazaar last week and had a pretty successful show (yay!) Afterwards, I decided to throw a little bit more into the mix by hosting a Holiday Open House at my house . . . TODAY (at 3pm) . . . for all my friends, family members and neighbors. There is something pretty overwhelmin...